From: Steve Davies Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.fandom Subject: Vom Issue pi/i (Worldcon Hoax Newsletter) Date: Sun, 03 Sep 95 17:43:15 GMT Organization: The Fortress Unvanquishable, Save For Sacnoth Lines: 149 Reply-To: steve@vraidex.demon.co.uk VOICE OF THE MOOSETERONS The INTER-SPECIES Newszine Sunday 27th August - After Lunch - The Pie-Eyed Edition Moose TV to go ahead Fans are working around the clock to prepare for tonight's extravaganza, Moose TV. Like the opening ceremony, it will lead off with a massed pipe band, and a glittering array of stars will pronounce that it's much better than the Hugos. You can enjoy the spectacle in the Kintyre room at the Central Hotel from 7:00. Why is it an extra vaganza? What happened to the original one? How exactly do you play the didgeridoo? All these questions and many more will be answered in Moose TV, the chat show with antlers. Winning Lottery Numbers Announced The winning numbers last night were e, 6.02x1023, aleph-null, 137(ish), h and a googol. Anyone with more than three numbers correct should buy me a drink in the bar later. Overheard in the Concourse #1 "Why are you so down on her? I think she's doing sterling work." "Yes, but I wish she was doing it in Stirling." Overheard in the Concourse #2 "Forget the trolls, as far as I can see the art show is being run by a woman who is receiving messages from Mars through her fillings." Voodoo Board Update Ops requests that whoever has been pinning headless chickens to the voodoo board should desist immediately. And Martin Easterbrook has been having unaccountable pains in his side. Gopher Ticket Validation Policy explained Fiona Anderson, Ops supremo, points out that the gopher ticket system is really much simpler than we realised. All you have to do is go to ops, wait your turn, wait for ops to radio finance, wait for finance to turn up, pick up your tickets in triplicate, stamp and sign each section, sign for each ticket individually, pick up your own personal dinosaur stamp, sign out each ticket and remember to remind gophers that they're good for a plain baked potato in one place or a can of coke in someplace else and they must use them today because tomorrow they're only good for the coke and not the potato or of course a tea or coffee and water is free in any event to bona fide gophers on shift but otherwise you have to buy it over the bar. I think. Babylon 5 Shock Contrary to rumour, the missing 4 Babylon 5 tapes will be shown at the convention, plus an advance copy of the first episode of series 3, starting at 09:00am Sunday. [Ed, Damn, missed the copy deadline: never mind, let's run it anyway.] Where to get the Newsletter You cannot get the newsletter from the newsroom. This is because the newsletter is not produced in the newsroom, but is instead dropped off at the convention by weird aliens with pointy black eyes. Things that Confuse the Americans #666 Foreign visitors journeying to Sauchiehall Street will wish to practice the traditional Glaswegian greeting of gently touching foreheads, much in the manner of Eskimos rubbing noses. Obligatory Pratchett Headline Shock (fillo) Credits This issue dedicated to Shaggy, the moose of false rumour and gossip. Alison Scott had the biggest antlers, Steven Cain, Michael Scott and Steve Davies underwent animal pecking rituals, Dana Siegel and Ian Gunn added antlers to the logo. VICE OF THE MOOSETERONS The INTER-SPECIES Newszine Sunday 27th August - After Lunch - The pi-eyed Edition Voice of the Mysterons This is the Voice of the Mysterons. Due to your unprovoked attack on the SECC we will vaporise your convention on Tuesday morning. Unlike the Borg, we won't even give you a lousy t-shirt. [Ops Note: at least this way we don't have to worry about striking the con.] Fraying the Worldcon Intersection is pleased to announce a number of new minority programme streams: Greying the Worldcon, for fans who are becoming differently aged. Flaying the Worldcon, for alt.sex.bondage aficionados. Playing the Worldcon, for the gamers. Delaying the Worldcon, for programme ops. Weighing the Worldcon, for the metabolically challenged. Spaying the Worldcon, for those who are tired of sex. Laying the Worldcon, for those who aren't. Chris-O'Sheaing the Worldcon, for devotees of alt.pun.painful. More Balti in 1998 Join Bucconeer in the Fan Fair now to sample the best of balti in its natural home. They assure us there's a free curry and poppadum for every member. Things That Confuse Americans #69 The lubricant being handed out by the GSFS Safer Sex stall in the Fan Fair advertises that it adds "Non-Newtonian slip". We presume that this implies that relativistic effects are involved. Watch out for the Lorentz-Fitzgerald contraction. Language ribbons update More language ribbons are now available: Monkey^H^H^H^H^H^H Orangutan - Octarine Mysteron - Scarlet Glaswegian - Tartan Also, we seem to have mislaid our fuligin ribbons... WSFS Business Meeting Update Robert "Fermat" Sacks has conclusively proved that things get done at the WSFS business meeting. Unfortunately, his report was too long to fit into this newsletter. Pan-European Party Report Our roving reporter has decided she no longer drinks beer but merely samples it. And after trying the 20 Polish beers available at the above party, she appears to have been as sampled as a newt. Where to pick up the newsletter You cannot get the newsletter from the newsroom. However, you should find it easy to pick it up in the bar if you have nice legs in fluorescent pink stockings and are willing to buy it a pint. Party, Party, Party... Brighton Metropole: Scottish-American mixer, byo malt whisky jello. Aberdeen Angus: Australian-Welsh mixer, byo inflatable sheep. Forte Cthulhu: alt.sex.tentacles party, byo Shoggoth. Credits This issue dedicated to Fallacio, the muse of vice and misinformation. Dominated by Steven Cain, with light whipping by Alison Scott. Safer sex from Chris O'Shea, Mike Scott, Dana Siegel and Steve Davies. Logo by Sue Mason, illo by Ian Gunn. -- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stephen M.W. Davies | steve@vraidex.demon.co.uk | sdavies@cix.compulink.co.uk | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------